Dear Doreen

You are always welcome to write to me, asking for advice on your professional, technical and emotional problems (giving intimate detail). I am unlikely to read your messages.

I will, however treat all your communications in the slackest confidence. If my assistants have time to check through them, I may publish your more amusing problems on this page, or I may just publish them without reading them.

I do, of course, genuinely want to help. I would be wrong of me to exploit your problems merely for my own amusement. I intend to exploit them for everyone's amusement.

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Recently Received Letters

Sender: Couldn't be bothered to notice.

Dear Doreen

I used to live in a studio flat. Space was tight, but I kept everything in its place and generally had room to do everything I needed as long as I put things away after I had used them and put out the bins regularly for the refuse collectors.

Last year I went to Mr Gates, the estate agent, who persuaded me that I would find life much easier if I bought a brand new four-bedroom house. I had a bit of cash to spare, so I bought one.

At first everything seemed wonderful and I had loads of space for everything I had done before and more, but it seems that these modern houses don't have an external refuse collection.

All four bedrooms are now full of stinking garbage and I have nowhere at all to sleep. I went back to Mr Gates for some advice, and he said that in order to be sure of having somewhere to sleep for the next five years, everyone should now consider buying a small village for him/herself.

Personally, I don't see why they don't just bring back refuse collections. What do you suggest?

Doreen Bird (deceased) replies: You are obviously not a budgie and I would prefer that you didn't waste my time. You should know that cages are regularly cleaned out and that's just the way it is.

Sender: Godwottery Contaminants Inc

Dear Ms Bird

As representatives (facilities) of the freeholders of the Armoury Road Complex, I would like to inform you that the various air ducts in the properties are to be fumigated on Saturday, 17 October. It has been brought to our attention that there are considerable pestiferous entities in said ducts, many of them associated with contaminated feather and fur. As you are yourself of feathery nature, might I recommend that you arrange to vacate the premises on the above date, as we would not wish you to be exposed to any noisome effluents.

I would also like to assure you that saucepans will NOT be involved.

Yours, squiggle squiggle

Doreen Bird (deceased) does not reply on this occasion, not having read the message.

Sender: Auntie Jennifer

Dearest Doreen

Firstly lets get the small chirps over with. Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep, Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep, chirpy chirpy cheep cheep chirp. I can't find your web site. Perhaps this is because you are not a spider. I am enclosing a sheep for you. Please install him under C/WINDOWS and creat a shortcut for the desktop. CLick on the shortcut to create Cecil.

Doreen Bird (deceased) notes that several of her staff are now infested with sheep and prefers not to read any further messages herself.

Advice on dealing with this embarrassing complaint and other infesting creatures, such as lentils, beds etc will appear in this web site in the near future.

Sender: J Alborough

Dearest Doreen

Having visited your website I now understand why you are so revered and loved by all in the kingdom of The Cage. Indeed you are beautiful and unworthy of me writing to you. This is a letter of reassurance and kindness sent to you in your hour of jealousy. The sheep is your friend and will not harm you. Indeed he will protect you from cats dogs and other vile creatures who may approach you with a sense of 'food' on heir minds. Please tell your most adored servant, that if he double clicks on the sheep, he can either remove him or add sound. The sheep will then baaa and sigh and keep predators away from you. Oh most revered fetahered wonder - please know that everyone in Brighton is not worthy of your tweets.

Doreen Bird (deceased) replies that she is quietly confident and cautiously optimistic.

Sender: Anonymous

Dear Doreen

Recently I have become very worried that I may smell of shaving foam.

It is particularly strange, because I never use shaving foam.

No one has said anything to me about it yet. What should I do?

Doreen Bird (deceased) replies:

Start using shaving foam. It is only the inexplicable which causes us to worry.

Sender: Anonymous

Dear Doreen

maRCh violEt doo tuting

Hee heE

Doreen Bird (deceased) replies:

A young girl needs to think carefully about her reputation.

Sender: A Brave and Handsome Guardian

Dear Doreen

Have you seen where I put my contact lenses?

Doreen Bird (deceased) replies:

You should count your blessings. I am wise enough for spectacles, but I must soldier on bravely without suitable ears. Don't bother me with your petty problems.

Sender: An anonymous Prime Minister

Dearest Doreen

I am so sad to hear that you are now withdrawing from public life. How will I continue my days knowing that you are not there as a beacon of light to guide me in my moments of deep despair?

I have always loved your wit, your stupidity, and your sheer belief in yourself as a greater being. This has given me strength - knowing that one such as yourself - a mere vanity vessel - can survive the onslaught of terrible things (such as saucepans) has given me great inner strength to carry on.

I will now need to find an alternative to help me get through my days. I have tried, valium, ecstasy tablets, prozac and viagria. All to no avail. I need you the budgie queen.

You are to budgies what Peters and Lee are to Rock 'n Roll. Perhaps you have published a secret budgie guidebook for those who depend upon you so much? If you have please send me a copy now. I have decided to adopt your budgie logo as my own. I will hold you as an icon for ever and my new name will be BUDGIE BLAIR.

All the best my darling

Tone

Doreen Bird (deceased)'s Publicity Consultant replies:

Yes, Doreen really is super. Despite being the People's Budgie, as you imply, public pressure has taken its toll, and she knows may never reach the heights to which she once aspired. Despite her wonderfulness, she is as humble and modest as ever and desires only to live on, through her loving fans, as the Three of Hearts.