The Doreen Bird (deceased) Interview

This interview was recorded in one take thanks to the brilliant invention of a real time voice-facsimile translation machine by ... now who was it? Nice chap; thought I was very beautiful and wise. Anyway, thanks to that.

Here is the transcript of this groundbreaking piece of journalism, for the first time bringing my thoughts to my millions of fans just as they popped out of my mind. Honestly, it wasn't rehearsed!

Some parts of the interview were unfortunately lost in the transmission. Where the text appears in courier typeface, it represents what I'm sure I remember being said.

Interviewer: First of all I would like to thank you for agreeing to do this interview. I know that your millions of fans will be thrilled so there is no real reason to feel embarrassed or ridiculous.

Doreen Bird (deceased): Given my huge international reputation as a writer and philosopher, I felt it was time to talk directly to my fans. I hope you won't feel shy.

Interviewer: Yes ... indeed. Now, to throw you in at the deep end, what would you say is your main purpose in life, if there is one? as there obviously is

Doreen Bird (deceased): Being so very noble, I obviously want to see my beauty and wisdom put to good use. And if lots of people love and admire me as a result, It's just something I recognise that I have to live with. Yes indeed, I want to do my part in creating a better world. A world of only beautiful things; a world free from fear and evil and ugliness. In other words, a world without saucepans.

Interviewer: It has been suggested in some quarters that your fear and hatred of saucepans amounts to an extreme form of psychosis. What is your response to that?

Doreen Bird (deceased): Are you troubled by saucepans? Doreen can help. Just send fresh millet. What is your problem please? Thank you.

Interviewer: I think you may have misunderstood. I don't personally have any trouble at all with saucepans. I was trying to establish whether your own views on the matter are strictly rational.

Doreen Bird (deceased): Fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly. Allgone?

Interviewer: Thank you; actually there was no need. Now I am covered in ...

Doreen Bird (deceased): Fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly.

Interviewer: Moving on to the subject of your published works, the issue of plagiarism only too recently raised its head I believe.

Doreen Bird (deceased): Plagiarism is an ugly word. An ugly, unpleasant, coarse, low, primitive, soulless word. A word with no style. A word that evokes only the stifling of beauty in its earliest emerging form. A word that there is no room for in my carefree, fashionable life. Now let's never hear of it again.

Interviewer: I appreciate your feelings on the matter, but you must be aware that the evidence presented left little room for doubt about the justification for the original claims. Is it not the case that the action was dropped solely because it was discovered that you were only a budgie? You must have found that very belittling.

Doreen Bird (deceased): Beautiful me! Beautiful me! Yes, I am very famous. I do lots of things. Have you seen my plumage?

Interviewer: With respect, I feel that perhaps you are trying to avoid answering the question.

Doreen Bird (deceased): No, it is I who should be showing respect. The one characteristic that does most to make me superior to the rest of you is my sense of humility. Did I mention that I am also a great athlete?

Interviewer: You can hardly say that perching on a bicycle makes you are a thrusting powerhouse of muscle, sinew and feather. One can't fail to be impressed exactly, is it?

Doreen Bird (deceased): I agree entirely. need for that sort of comment.

Interviewer: Perhaps you will feel able to answer some questions about your earlier works: the romantic novels. To what extent were they autobiographical?

Doreen Bird (deceased): Oh, almost entirely autobiographical. You see, although none of it ever actually happened to me, it was me who made up all the stories. And all the characters. Yes, I think you could say they were as much the story of my life as anyone else's.

Interviewer: And is there any romance in your life at the moment? I have heard the name "Douglas" mentioned several times.

Doreen Bird (deceased): Douglas, you must understand, is almost totally undemanding. To me, that makes him the ideal life-partner. In fact, probably the ideal man.

Interviewer: And your response to suggestions that he is not, in fact, a man, but a merely plastic duck?

Doreen Bird (deceased): Douglas has always been very brave. I am sure he is spiritually strong enough not to be troubled by that sort of cruel jibe.

Interviewer: I would like to move on now to your more recent projects. We have not heard much from you since the threat of legal action over your ...

Doreen Bird (deceased): I thought we weren't going to mention that again. Fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly.

Interviewer: I beg your pardon. I was merely going ask what you have been doing lately.

Doreen Bird (deceased): I sat and thought quietly for several weeks, pondering some of the great unanswered questions, such as "Does the world need more philosophers?" More recently I have sorted out this bowel problem and begun working on my web site. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to get hold of the proper software, so it is a little basic in its format.

Interviewer: Did you gain any new philosophical insights during this time?

Doreen Bird (deceased): Well, yes and no. Yes in the sense that that I believe I have proved that there is no such thing as a philosophical insight, but no in the sense that it would then have been illogical for me to have one.

Interviewer: That really seems to be a lot of nice feathers. You certainly are very beautiful and wise.

Doreen Bird (deceased): If that's your attitude I will have to ask you to leave. Fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly.

Interviewer: I think I can honestly say that this is the Interviewing you has been a great honour, Miss Bird.

Doreen Bird (deceased): Come on then if you think you're hard enough. Editor's note: the transmission was cut short by a technical failure at this point.